I dunno what to say, I kinda feel like I'm living on borrowed time. Not that I wanna give up, there are so many things I wanna do and I'm not a quitter. At the same time there are so many things I'm confused about and I don't even understand myself completely. I think I might be a little "radical" or something.
My imagination is always on a whirlwind and I can't stop it. Sometimes it even gets to be a little too much and I feel like I'm going crazy. I write messed up stories with my friends to let it all out, and then I don't feel nuts. My mom wonders why I'm always waiting to talk to my friends, but I don't want to tell her "because when I'm not talking to them I feel insane."
My temper is out of control. I was more in control when I was in martial arts, but I quit because of this one annoying guy who lives on my street and I hate him. I definitely feel crazy when I snap, my friends seem to think I'm really mad when I'm not even that mad, so it kind of scares me. I feel like TNT waiting to explode. I used to hit people when I got mad though, so now at least I've managed to stop that, and I can feel good about that, at least.
I've always liked being by myself. I don't think my mom gets that I'm anti-social, because she's always bugging me to get out of the house and go somewhere and hang out with people. In reality I would rather keep myself from feeling like I'm going crazy.
I'm kind of afraid my friends don't really like me, because we barely do anything. I AM NO ONE'S BEST FRIEND. I'm a good friend to everyone, but I'm no one's number one best friend. I am always number two, no one ever picks me first or calls me first or asks me to hang out first. It depresses me a lot that I'm usually not very high on anyone's list.
I'm not really good at anything. I'm okay at drawing and I'm a good writer, and I play video games, but Tae Kwon-Do was where I excelled at something. But then my idiot neighbour came along and everything I did felt like it was being undermined. I still hate him for taking away my passion for Tae Kwon-Do.
I'm not very good looking. Or I'm freakishly weird or something. Guys just don't like me, there is ALWAYS "someone else" that they like more. The two times where a guy did like me, I blew it; once because I was like 12 and I didn't know what to do, and the second time was because of a miscommunication. Now the first guy likes someone else and the second has had like a dozen girlfriends, when I've never really gotten over him getting his first girlfriend (it was supposed to be me...) and I haven't had feelings for another guy since, though I kinda like the first guy again. I think I've got one more shot to have a chance with him now, and I seriously feel like I will just shut down if he ends up with someone else. I don't want to think about that, it hurts so much...He's the only one I wanna be with, I know that. He changed my life completely as a kid, and my life won't be worth living if he's not in it. For years I swore to myself I didn't want a fairytale ending, being the girl who gets swept off her feet by some handsome guy. But I want the fairytale ending now, I want to be the girl he met as a kid and we became best friends and I went to his house every day after school and as we leave high school he realizes he still has feelings for and we get together and we get married and we have kids and everything is HAPPILY EVER AFTER. He was the first boy to ever have a crush on me, I thought he'd be the only one. The chances of this happening are one in a million, but I just can't live without him. I am completely in love with him (minus the weird bubbly, warm, mushy feeling inside which is kinda weird). I absolutely refuse to be with anyone else; I NEED him. I'll go crazy without him.
My parents are also doing that thing where they compare me to my big sister, because she's got a lot of drive to do things and she's not afraid to speak up for herself, whereas I'm unmotivated and I'm quiet at first. I hate it, it makes me feel so bad. And my friends tell me my mom is so nice and I'm so lucky. Yeah, okay, my stuff is cool; I can eat whatever I want practically whenever I want; I don't have a limit on how much soda I can drink. I'm still put down and yelled at and (I'm pretty sure) considering freakishly weird by my mom. Wanna trade places with me for a day? I'm sure you'd be surprised to see that it's not all puppy dogs and butterflies and rainbows and unicorns and smiles on my end.
These are a few reasons why I feel like I'm losing it. Have any of you guys ever felt like you're on the edge or you're breaking down and you can't put yourself back together? I feel like I need someone to pull me back and tell me I'm gonna be fine.
Monday, 2 May 2011
Saturday, 9 April 2011
Day 1
Woo, first blog post! Kinda excited.
Well, I guess I could start with the fact that I helped two of my friends with a video they're making for a contest. It's about teen pregnancy. One of the guys making the video ended up being the guy who got me pregnant in the video. The other guy's dad even made a fake pregnancy test for the video! (Though I kept calling it a pee stick the whole time). I started off pretty monotone, but as I relaxed I apparently got better. Not bad, we were joking around between the filming and I got to watch some Naruto with James' sister (James is the guy whose dad made the fake pee stick).
Caitlin (James' sister) and I commented on several things throughout the Naruto episodes, such as Sakura being annoying and stupid, Ino being annoying, how I don't like Kiba and she's not fond of Hinata. We laughed about Chouji and we both agreed that the first series can't even compare to Shipuuden, but wasn't that obvious? We talked about how I hated Sasuke from day one and she never saw anything appealing in him; hooray! I could probably sit here and rant about how much I hate Sasuke, but he's not my most hated anime character of all time so I guess I'll save that. We saw Kakashi use the 'Thousand Years of Death' on Naruto, and I noted how a 26 year old man putting his fingers up a 12 year old boy's ass should be against the rules for reasons other than what Sakura (and maybe Sasuke) stated. Come on, don't tell me "oh, he didn't put his fingers up his ass!" He TOTALLY did! Whatevs, we talked about how the log should be able to take some kunai, and if not it was a wimpy log.
From there, we moved straight into the Team 7 vs Zabuza fight 1 (Caitlin lost disc 2, so we had to go from disc 1 to disc 3). In other words, we moved from nothing into a HUGE WASTE OF TIME. I mean, Zabuza doesn't die, he comes back later and they fight again (and this time he DOES die, thank goodness). Really the only point to this fight was to introduce Haku, but since no one can really tell if Haku's a boy or a girl (Is it a boy? Is it a girl? We're not really sure!) then maybe Haku shouldn't have been introduced in the first place. And don't tell me "Haku's a boy, stupid!", you KNOW you're still kind of questioning it. YOU KNOW. After this, everyone had to eat; everyone except Caitlin had a hamburger while Caitlin had Mr. Noodles that she ate with chopsticks; what a win!
Right after eating, James and Cody (the guy who ended up getting me pregnant in the video) said that they needed to tape another scene outdoors. As it would have it, as we went outside it started to rain and as we reached the end of James' driveway, it was pouring. We shot the scene quickly, it really just involved Cody and I running, and we headed back inside. Not more than 10 minutes after we get inside, the rain stops. Of course. We finish up a few scenes before taking a break. We got two more scenes done after the break before I had to go.
I kind of enjoyed the video myself, and I really enjoyed talking about anime to someone. I mean, I usually don't get to voice my opinions to someone who knows what I'm talking about. Though Naruto is far from my favourite anime (I don't even enjoy it all that much anymore; One Piece and Bleach and Katekyoshi Hitman Reborn! are far better). If you don't know what Katekyoshi Hitman Reborn! is, it's about a baby hitman training a kid named Tsunayoshi Sawada to be a mob boss. It's hilairious, and has my fave anime guy Ryohei Sasagawa in it. I just go nuts for Ryohei Sasagawa! :) If you don't know what One Piece or Bleach are about, then you're not really into anime so you don't care about half of what I've typed so far, or you're just kind of sad. I'm sorry, but it's true. If you like anime, you should have AT LEAST a vague idea of what they're about!
Anyway, I guess I'll call it quits here. Next blog post: I'll discuss what I do and do not like about NARUTO.
Don't forget to leave a comment! Thanks!
Well, I guess I could start with the fact that I helped two of my friends with a video they're making for a contest. It's about teen pregnancy. One of the guys making the video ended up being the guy who got me pregnant in the video. The other guy's dad even made a fake pregnancy test for the video! (Though I kept calling it a pee stick the whole time). I started off pretty monotone, but as I relaxed I apparently got better. Not bad, we were joking around between the filming and I got to watch some Naruto with James' sister (James is the guy whose dad made the fake pee stick).
Caitlin (James' sister) and I commented on several things throughout the Naruto episodes, such as Sakura being annoying and stupid, Ino being annoying, how I don't like Kiba and she's not fond of Hinata. We laughed about Chouji and we both agreed that the first series can't even compare to Shipuuden, but wasn't that obvious? We talked about how I hated Sasuke from day one and she never saw anything appealing in him; hooray! I could probably sit here and rant about how much I hate Sasuke, but he's not my most hated anime character of all time so I guess I'll save that. We saw Kakashi use the 'Thousand Years of Death' on Naruto, and I noted how a 26 year old man putting his fingers up a 12 year old boy's ass should be against the rules for reasons other than what Sakura (and maybe Sasuke) stated. Come on, don't tell me "oh, he didn't put his fingers up his ass!" He TOTALLY did! Whatevs, we talked about how the log should be able to take some kunai, and if not it was a wimpy log.
From there, we moved straight into the Team 7 vs Zabuza fight 1 (Caitlin lost disc 2, so we had to go from disc 1 to disc 3). In other words, we moved from nothing into a HUGE WASTE OF TIME. I mean, Zabuza doesn't die, he comes back later and they fight again (and this time he DOES die, thank goodness). Really the only point to this fight was to introduce Haku, but since no one can really tell if Haku's a boy or a girl (Is it a boy? Is it a girl? We're not really sure!) then maybe Haku shouldn't have been introduced in the first place. And don't tell me "Haku's a boy, stupid!", you KNOW you're still kind of questioning it. YOU KNOW. After this, everyone had to eat; everyone except Caitlin had a hamburger while Caitlin had Mr. Noodles that she ate with chopsticks; what a win!
Right after eating, James and Cody (the guy who ended up getting me pregnant in the video) said that they needed to tape another scene outdoors. As it would have it, as we went outside it started to rain and as we reached the end of James' driveway, it was pouring. We shot the scene quickly, it really just involved Cody and I running, and we headed back inside. Not more than 10 minutes after we get inside, the rain stops. Of course. We finish up a few scenes before taking a break. We got two more scenes done after the break before I had to go.
I kind of enjoyed the video myself, and I really enjoyed talking about anime to someone. I mean, I usually don't get to voice my opinions to someone who knows what I'm talking about. Though Naruto is far from my favourite anime (I don't even enjoy it all that much anymore; One Piece and Bleach and Katekyoshi Hitman Reborn! are far better). If you don't know what Katekyoshi Hitman Reborn! is, it's about a baby hitman training a kid named Tsunayoshi Sawada to be a mob boss. It's hilairious, and has my fave anime guy Ryohei Sasagawa in it. I just go nuts for Ryohei Sasagawa! :) If you don't know what One Piece or Bleach are about, then you're not really into anime so you don't care about half of what I've typed so far, or you're just kind of sad. I'm sorry, but it's true. If you like anime, you should have AT LEAST a vague idea of what they're about!
Anyway, I guess I'll call it quits here. Next blog post: I'll discuss what I do and do not like about NARUTO.
Don't forget to leave a comment! Thanks!
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