Losing It

I dunno what to say, I kinda feel like I'm living on borrowed time. Not that I wanna give up, there are so many things I wanna do and I'm not a quitter. At the same time there are so many things I'm confused about and I don't even understand myself completely. I think I might be a little "radical" or something.

My imagination is always on a whirlwind and I can't stop it. Sometimes it even gets to be a little too much and I feel like I'm going crazy. I write messed up stories with my friends to let it all out, and then I don't feel nuts. My mom wonders why I'm always waiting to talk to my friends, but I don't want to tell her "because when I'm not talking to them I feel insane."

My temper is out of control. I was more in control when I was in martial arts, but I quit because of this one annoying guy who lives on my street and I hate him. I definitely feel crazy when I snap, my friends seem to think I'm really mad when I'm not even that mad, so it kind of scares me. I feel like TNT waiting to explode. I used to hit people when I got mad though, so now at least I've managed to stop that, and I can feel good about that, at least.

I've always liked being by myself. I don't think my mom gets that I'm anti-social, because she's always bugging me to get out of the house and go somewhere and hang out with people. In reality I would rather keep myself from feeling like I'm going crazy.

I'm kind of afraid my friends don't really like me, because we barely do anything. I AM NO ONE'S BEST FRIEND. I'm a good friend to everyone, but I'm no one's number one best friend. I am always number two, no one ever picks me first or calls me first or asks me to hang out first. It depresses me a lot that I'm usually not very high on anyone's list.

I'm not really good at anything. I'm okay at drawing and I'm a good writer, and I play video games, but Tae Kwon-Do was where I excelled at something. But then my idiot neighbour came along and everything I did felt like it was being undermined. I still hate him for taking away my passion for Tae Kwon-Do.

I'm not very good looking. Or I'm freakishly weird or something. Guys just don't like me, there is ALWAYS "someone else" that they like more. The two times where a guy did like me, I blew it; once because I was like 12 and I didn't know what to do, and the second time was because of a miscommunication. Now the first guy likes someone else and the second has had like a dozen girlfriends, when I've never really gotten over him getting his first girlfriend (it was supposed to be me...) and I haven't had feelings for another guy since, though I kinda like the first guy again. I think I've got one more shot to have a chance with him now, and I seriously feel like I will just shut down if he ends up with someone else. I don't want to think about that, it hurts so much...He's the only one I wanna be with, I know that. He changed my life completely as a kid, and my life won't be worth living if he's not in it. For years I swore to myself I didn't want a fairytale ending, being the girl who gets swept off her feet by some handsome guy. But I want the fairytale ending now, I want to be the girl he met as a kid and we became best friends and I went to his house every day after school and as we leave high school he realizes he still has feelings for and we get together and we get married and we have kids and everything is HAPPILY EVER AFTER. He was the first boy to ever have a crush on me, I thought he'd be the only one. The chances of this happening are one in a million, but I just can't live without him. I am completely in love with him (minus the weird bubbly, warm, mushy feeling inside which is kinda weird). I absolutely refuse to be with anyone else; I NEED him. I'll go crazy without him.

My parents are also doing that thing where they compare me to my big sister, because she's got a lot of drive to do things and she's not afraid to speak up for herself, whereas I'm unmotivated and I'm quiet at first. I hate it, it makes me feel so bad. And my friends tell me my mom is so nice and I'm so lucky. Yeah, okay, my stuff is cool; I can eat whatever I want practically whenever I want; I don't have a limit on how much soda I can drink. I'm still put down and yelled at and (I'm pretty sure) considering freakishly weird by my mom. Wanna trade places with me for a day? I'm sure you'd be surprised to see that it's not all puppy dogs and butterflies and rainbows and unicorns and smiles on my end.

These are a few reasons why I feel like I'm losing it. Have any of you guys ever felt like you're on the edge or you're breaking down and you can't put yourself back together? I feel like I need someone to pull me back and tell me I'm gonna be fine.